My mom was great. I loved her, but I do not want to become her. My daughter loves me, but she does not want to be like me. Wanting to be different is important as each generation is more capable than the last. It is evolution. So why do we become our parents? You know the feeling. Some days you just feel and look like your mother.
Genetics Rule
I have watched this in women for decades. It makes sense. Our genetics are from her. Science knows that our genetics program our physical characteristics and our emotions, attitudes, perspectives, capabilities and more. It is all there. We do not have to do anything, and our life would play out as our genetics dictate. Yikes! Or we can decide how we want to be and consciously grow in that way.
Role Model
In addition to our genetics, we spend nine months feeling and reacting to everything our mother is feeling and reacting to, for better or worse. We start being just like her. That is all we know. For the next six years or more we follow in her footsteps, learning how to be. We watch, observe and imitate.
Self
Then the magic happens we start to learn from others as we go to school, socialize and experience the world. We see ourselves through other’s eyes and feel how they act and react to us. We are starting to know ourselves.
The more we grow in our understanding of ourselves, the more we get to know our mother and who she is. We recognize the similarities and the differences. We become a woman in our own way.
Fairy Tale
This sounds like a wonderful story of how a woman blossoms into her own except it does not always work that way. For this story to play out we have to be passionate and curious to know ourselves, to grow in our understanding of how we want to be in the world. Self-awareness is wonderful, scary, inspiring and depressing but finding our way through the ups and downs helps us grow in our power and sense of self.
Being Our Mother
At times, we go unconscious. When this happens our genetics, and all that we matched with our mother in those tender years start to run our life. We become our mother.
Helen
Yesterday, I wrote a blog about Helen and her anger. There is more to the story. Helen dislikes her mother, always has. When I was walking with Helen, she complained about everything, was negative and angry. Helen always described her mother to me in this way. Helen was being her mother. I am sure she did not realize it because it is such a familiar way of being. Helen is not this way all the time. An energy was re-stimulated in her space that caused her to lose awareness of herself. When we lose that self-awareness, our genetics kick in to run our life. We become our mother. Ugh!
On those days when I feel like my mom, act like her and look like her I know that I have lost myself somewhere is an energy, a picture or an emotion. It is time to meditate and get myself back to who I am, not better or worse than my mom, just who I am.
Being Myself
When my daughter was six, she came into the kitchen and asked, “Who do I look like?” I laughed and said, “You look like your dad.” She took a deep breath and left. She came back about 10 minutes later and asked, “Now how do I look like?” Amused, I saw that she now looked more like me. She sighed again and left. A few minutes later back she came again with the same question. Amazingly when I looked at her I said, “You look like yourself!” With a big smile, she danced across the room. That sense of self is powerful. It is a process we begin at a young age and continue throughout life – unless we stop.
A Gift
Knowing when we are being our mother is an important part of knowing ourselves. Being uniquely who we are, not being our mothers, and letting our daughters do the same is a gift we give to each other. It is up to each of us to take that gift and grow in our understanding of ourselves, letting our mothers and daughters to do the same.